I - Hands To Heaven

All at once I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Wishing you'd come back to me and that's all that matters now
All at once I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories and it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows all at once
"All At Once", performed by Whitney Houston

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday
Tonight I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness
"Hands To Heaven", performed by Breathe

WEDNESDAY MORNING
23 MAY 2001
JAG HEADQUARTERS
Mac stared down at the stack of papers in front of her on her desk, trying to
concentrate. She was taking the next two days off in preparation for her
wedding and she wanted to get rid of the backlog of paperwork on her desk. It
wouldn't be fair to dump it all on someone else, no matter what the
circumstances. It wasn't everyone else's fault that Mac found it harder and
harder to focus on work the closer it got to her wedding day.
Most would have assumed that Mac's occasional inability to concentrate on work
stemmed from her wedding, that she was the typical giddy bride looking forward
to her wedding day with an excitement that could not be contained. It
frustrated Mac that nothing could be further from the truth. She wanted to be
giddy. She wanted to be counting the hours and minutes left until she would
become Mrs. Mic Brumby. She wanted to look forward to her wedding day with the
anticipation born long ago in a little girl's dreams of her fairytale wedding.
But she couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.
Unconsciously, she rubbed a finger over her lips and remembered how it had felt.
It had just been a kiss, one of a multitude she had received in her life. And
it hadn't been the first time that he had kissed her. She had known what it
felt like, his mouth moving tenderly over hers, had known how he tasted. So why
did one stolen moment on a cool May night haunt her so much?
She didn't even have to close her eyes to see clearly in her mind how it had
started out as tender goodbye kiss and grown in intensity until she was positive
the only thing holding her upright was his hand pressed against her back,
holding her firmly against him. She had tried to back away. Oh, how she had
tried. But she'd never expected him to finally let go, to express in his
actions everything that she'd ever wanted from him but had given up on hoping
for. That was why, when he had pulled her back to him, she hadn't resisted. At
least, that was what she tried to tell herself.
Mac closed her eyes for a moment, remembering. She could still feel the
tingling sensation as his lips touched hers. Her back felt warm where his hand
had pressed against it. If they hadn't both been so aware of the house full of
guests, and their significant others, just on the other side of the door. . .
.She should put it out of her mind. She had to put it out of her mind. She
knew that in her head. Her heart had just refused to listen.
At a time when she should be running as fast as she could in the opposite
direction, she had oddly found herself closer to Harm than they had been since
he had left JAG to return to active flight status. They spent more time
together, laughed together, generally enjoyed each other's company. And they
touched. A hand on an arm. A pat on the shoulder. Fingers clasped together.
Mac knew they were playing with fire. They both did. That was evident every
time they looked into each other's eyes. But Mac kept telling herself that what
little contact they allowed themselves was better than none at all. And maybe
if she told herself that enough times, she would find herself believing it.
Her eyes snapped open at the sound of a knock on her partially closed door. Her
gaze met Harm's and they stared at each other for a long moment, the hint of a
smile playing on their lips. Finally, Mac broke the silence and asked, "What
can I do for you?"
"I. . . .something's come up," he said, stepping in her office, resisting the
urge to push the door closed behind him. But being with Mac behind closed doors
was too great a temptation and she had made her choice. He had to accept that.
"I needed to talk to you about it."
"Take a seat," she suggested, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk. Harm
looked at the chair for a moment, then shook his head.
"On second thought," he said, "why don't we take a break? We've both been
buried under paperwork all day. It's a nice day out today. Why don't we take a
walk?"
"I don't know," she hesitated, shaking her head. "I've got a lot to get done
before I go on leave. . . ." Her voice trailed off as she noted to look in his
eyes. Ever since that night, she had found herself paying more attention to his
eyes, learning to read what he was thinking. Right now, what she was seeing was
a look that she hadn't seen in a couple of years. . . .since he had shown up at
her apartment to tell her that he was returning to active flight status. She
had the feeling deep in the pit of her stomach that whatever he was about to
say, she didn't really want to hear it. Taking a deep breath, she nodded
agreement. "Let me get my cover."
"Thank you," he said. Mac's hand froze on her desk drawer at his tone and she
studied him for a long moment. She couldn't explain it, but she sensed from him
that this was of vital importance - to both of them.

Once they were outside the building, slowly walking the grounds, Harm found
himself hesitating. Honestly, he was a bit relieved about his news, but he was
concerned about Mac's reaction. He wasn't sure why. She was going to marry
another man in three days. Wouldn't it be more comfortable for her if he wasn't
there, a reminder of the turmoil in her heart? But Mac seemed to be concerned
about his reactions to what was happening in her life. She had obviously been
worried about his reaction when she'd told him a few weeks earlier that he
wouldn't be able to sit at the head table at the wedding reception. Even
already knowing that he was going to be there, she had asked him specifically a
few hours before the engagement party if she would see him there.
Harm thought that he had finally figured out the tangled feelings between them,
but her concern made it even harder, a constant reminder of what he could never
have. There were times when he wished that he had remained oblivious. Why had
he finally opened up to her on the Admiral's porch? Why couldn't he have backed
away, as he'd done on the ferry? Maybe then it would be easier to pretend that
he was happy as the person he cared about most in the world made a life with
another man.
He glanced at Mac and found her looking at him expectantly, waiting patiently
for him to reveal his news. It had been his idea to come out here. A part of
him considered forgetting about the whole thing and just taking off for the
Patrick Henry, letting the chips fall where they may. But then he remembered
the hurt look on his face when she had found out he'd had his eyes fixed without
telling her. He'd promised himself that he would never do that to her again.
But once again, the rules of engagement had changed.
"So how was your presentation?" he asked, breaking the silence, deciding to go
with small talk while he figured out how to break his news.
"It went fine," she replied, recognizing the delaying tactic, but going along
with it. She was trying to learn not to push him so hard. Hell, her pushing
had been what had put them in this situation to begin with. First, she'd pushed
too hard in Sydney and ended up in another man's arms. Then, she'd pushed him
at the engagement party, but instead of running away as he had in Sydney, he'd
pushed back this time and look what it had gotten them. Three days before her
wedding and she couldn't convince herself to be the ecstatic bride.
"You do love your husband, don't you?"
"I don't know."
Mac shook her head, trying to banish the thoughts which had been plaguing her
since the party and which had found a focus as she had researched her
presentation on the Somers mutiny of 1842. How had she managed to relate the
court-martial of her ancestor to her ambivalence about Mic? She sighed. The
Somers mutiny was hardly a safe topic for conversation. Then again, was there
any such thing between them anymore?
"Mac?" Harm asked, watching her with concern. "Are you okay?"
"There's just a lot going on," she replied. It was the truth, as far as that
went.
Harm came to a stop and turned to her. Mac glanced around them. They were at a
far corner of the grounds surrounding JAG headquarters, away from the usual
traffic of people coming and going. That nagging voice inside Mac's head
suggested that this wasn't a good idea, but she squashed it. Harm was her best
friend. She owed it to him to listen to what he had to say.
"As I'm sure you're aware," he began, "I have to qualify every year to keep my
flight status current. My year is up at the end of the month and I've done
everything except for the carrier landing portion of my quals." He watched as
she thought about what he was saying, making the connections in her mind.
"You're going to be deployed sometime in the next week to carrier," she
concluded.
"I report to the Patrick Henry tomorrow," he told her, continuing quickly before
she could protest. "I'm driving up to Norfolk tonight and I'll take a helo from
there in the morning. Just in case something happens and things take longer
than planned, it's better to go now, than wait until after the holiday Monday
when there will only be three days left in the month. Anyway, as of next week,
I'm acting chief of staff and need to be here at JAG."
"I see," she replied carefully, having the sinking feeling she knew where this
was going. "And when will you be back?"
"I'm not sure," he replied, shrugging. This was the part that he was dreading
telling her. "The plan is sometime Saturday, but I'm not sure exactly when.
Could even be Sunday."
"Sunday," she repeated, trying - and not entirely succeeding - to stifle her
dismay. "My wedding's on Saturday and there's the rehearsal dinner on Friday."

"I know," he said softly. If he was aware of nothing else, it was that her
wedding to another man was on Saturday. "I'm up against a deadline here. If I
delay the orders until after the wedding, then I run the risk of running out of
time to complete my quals. Sure, I can probably complete them in a couple of
days, maybe three, but things can happen that can drag that out."
"And if you don't complete your quals, then your flight status is threatened,"
she realized. She knew how much his flight status meant to him, even if he was
no longer a part of an active duty squadron. "I understand, but. . . ."
"Mac," he said, picking up her right hand and squeezing it gently. "I'm sorry."

"You said the plan is to come back on Saturday?" she asked, clinging to that
thought.
"That's the idea," he replied, hoping that she wasn't going where he thought she
was about to with this. It would be easier if he couldn't make it back. "I'd
like to salvage something of the holiday weekend before my workload is doubled
for the next couple of weeks."
"I suppose you have plans with Renee," she said, trying to bury the flicker of
jealousy she felt. She was with Mic. She couldn't expect him to spend his time
pining for her, despite coming to terms with the feelings between them. It
wasn't fair. . . .to any of them.
"Not really," he admitted. Renee had pushed, but even before he'd known about
his orders for the Patrick Henry, he'd made the excuse that he wanted to get a
jump start on some of the extra work that he would be stuck with. Of course,
his desire to be alone had more to do with regrets over the direction of his
life than a burning desire to work through the holiday weekend. He knew that he
wasn't going to be very good company this weekend and he wasn't really in the
mood to tolerate Renee's attempts to distract him.
She stared at her hand in his, her gaze focused on his thumb idly tracing
circles on her palm. "Harm, I need you. . . ." she began, realizing how that
sounded. She quickly added, a bit flustered, "I want you to be there for me.
With Uncle Matt in Leavenworth, Chloe's going to be my only family there. I've
got friends, but you mean. . . .more to me than just about anyone. That's why
I'd invited you to the rehearsal dinner even though you're not in the wedding
party. If nothing else, I need you to be at the wedding."
"Why, Mac?" he questioned her. He still held her hand and she could feel the
heat where his thumb gently rubbed her slowly spreading up her arm and through
her. Her breath caught as she tried to think of a reply.
"I don't know," she admitted, her voice hesitant. "I just know that I need you
there. I need to know that you are there and are. . . .happy for me."
"If this is what you want," he reminded her, "then I'm happy for you." Anyone
who didn't know him very well might not have caught the slight tremor in his
voice, as if he was trying to convince himself as much as Mac. But Mac,
learning to look for the little clues to what he was thinking, noticed it,
perhaps because it reflected the doubts in her own heart.
"Harm," she said, her voice with a hint of pleading, "I know that I'm asking a
lot, and I can't explain why this is so important for me. Maybe it's that I
think this will provide some closure. But I do know that I need to know that
you will be there for me."
Harm tilted her head up with a finger, his gaze meeting hers and he allowed
himself just a moment to become lost in the dark depths of her eyes. In that
moment, he remembered why he would do anything for her. "I will," he said
softly. "I promise."
Mac licked her suddenly dry lips. He would come home in time for the wedding.
He wouldn't let anything stand in his way. Harm always kept his promises.
"Don't make a promise you can't keep."
"I haven't yet."
Well, he'd never broken a promise to her yet. It would be another three years
before he would be forced to break that one. Until then, she would hold onto
the knowledge that Harm's word was worth more than the most precious metal.
"Thank you," she whispered, unconsciously leaning forward slightly as she lost
herself in the turmoil evident in his eyes. She knew this would hurt him, more
than he would probably ever admit, even to her. But he would still come simply
because she had asked him to. She didn't deserve for him to be so kind and
understanding. She closed her eyes, forcing back the tears that threatened to
form.
She felt his free hand brush her cheek, meant to be a gesture of comfort. But
she could feel so much more in his touch. Opening her eyes, she found that they
had somehow moved even closer together. It would be so easy. All she had to do
would be to stretch up just a little bit and she could satisfy the hunger she'd
been trying so hard to forget since the party.
That night, things had gotten away from her as a simple goodbye kiss had turned
into so much more. This time, Mac was fully aware of what she was doing and
what this meant as she closed the remaining distance between them and stood up
on tip toe to press her lips against his.
She moaned against his open mouth when she felt his hand go to her back,
welcoming the return of the heat she remembered from that night. Her hand slid
up his arm and over his shoulder board to press against the back of his neck,
her fingers moving over him in a soft massage. They were outside, where anyone
might walk by, but neither had the strength or the will to put out the fire
threatening to engulf them.
Harm started to pull away first, but he'd been haunted as much as she had been
the last couple of weeks and he found that he couldn't. He tugged at her lower
lip, lightly running his tongue along the soft flesh, before losing himself
again and deepening the kiss, his tongue sweeping the welcoming depths of her
mouth. She swayed slightly against him as she met him with equal fervor, her
tongue wrestling with his, and he tightened his hold on her.
Mac was finally the one who broke away first, taking a step back as she felt
something hard pressing against her stomach. This was spinning too far out of
their control. Harm turned his back to her, his breathing ragged, trying to
regain some small measure of control over himself. Mac reached out and let her
fingers brush against his arm before dropping her hand. "I'm sorry," she
whispered.
"Don't be," Harm replied just as softly, turning his head to glance back at her.
"Never be sorry."
Mac wasn't sure she had the right to ask for more, but she did anyway. She
couldn't help herself, anymore than she could have stopped herself from falling
into his arms again, even when they both knew they shouldn't. "Stop by and see
me before you go?" she requested.
Harm turned his head away again and nodded. "I will," he vowed.
Mac took a deep breath and forced herself to walk away, back to the pile of work
waiting for her on her desk. But the voice was back in her head, taunting her.
You do love your husband, don't you? . . . . You do love your husband, don't
you?. . . . You do love your husband, don't you?
"What does love have to do with anything?" she retorted aloud, drawing a curious
glance from a passing petty officer, who snapped off a salute as soon as she
caught sight of the silver oak clusters on Mac's collar. Mac automatically
returned the salute, but she couldn't get the question out of her mind. She
just wished that she could satisfy herself with the answer.

A FEW HOURS LATER
Oddly enough, Mac found herself better able to concentrate after her work after
her meeting with Harm. With a smile on her face, she signed off on another
report and tossed it on top of the rapidly growing pile of completed work.
"Thinking about our wedding, I hope," Mic said from the door. Mac looked up
from the file she had just picked up, forcing the smile to remain on her face.
"Mic," she said brightly. If her voice a little too bright, she was the only
one who realized it. Mic rarely noticed the subtle clues - the look in her
eyes, the slight change in her voice - that signaled a change in mood. Even
when she was visibly upset at him, he tended more often than not to ignore the
reason behind the mood, opting to try to charm her out of her bad mood rather
than dealing with what had caused it in the first place. But it never resolved
any of the problems between them. More and more, Mac was beginning to realize
that. But it wasn't that simple. Not after all this time.
Harm would have noticed, the voice in her head reminded her. Mac shook her head
and forced her attention back to her fiancé. "What can I do for you, Mic?" she
asked as she opened the folder in front of her.
"Just wanted to see if you wanted to take off a bit early and spend some time
with me, luv," he said cheerfully.
"Mic," she protested, managing for the most part to keep the frustration out of
her voice, "I have a lot of work to finish. Today's my last day before the
wedding and I want to get as much of this done as possible."
"Rabb's filling in as chief of staff while you're gone, right?" he countered.
"I'm sure he would understand if you left it for him, with the wedding to think
about and all that."
Mac managed to bite back a stinging retort. Everything was going to be hard
enough for Harm as it was in the coming days and weeks. She wasn't about to
make things worse by unnecessarily dumping her work in his lap so she could play
hooky with her persistent fiancé, even if Harm was going to be around to handle
the extra load. Which he wasn't, she reminded herself.
Harm chose that moment to poke his head in Mac's office. "Sorry, am I
interrupting anything?" he asked automatically, although sorry was about as far
away from what he felt as one could get. But he would make nice even if it
killed him. He wasn't about to lose Mac's friendship, no matter to whom she was
married. And if Mic had a problem with his and Mac's friendship, Harm was
determined that was going to be Mic's problem - not his and certainly not Mac's
if he could help it. Mac had promised that she wasn't going to lose him and
Harm was holding onto that with everything in him.
Mic opened his mouth to speak, to give Harm the brush off, but Mac jumped in
before he could start anything. "Of course not," Mac replied smoothly. "Are
you taking off already?"
"The Admiral gave me the time to go home and pack since I'm driving to Norfolk,"
Harm replied, focusing his attention on her. Unfortunately, Mic did notice that
- he tried to notice everything when he saw Harm and Mac together - and decided
to interrupt.
"Heading off on a case, mate?" Mic asked, his voice too pleasant. Maybe it
would keep Harm away long enough to miss the wedding. Mic could have cared less
if Harm was there to wish them well, even if it meant forgoing the opportunity
to show off his hard-won bride. Although he had professed to Renee that he
wasn't concerned, he wouldn't rest easy on that score until the wedding ring was
firmly on Mac's finger and she was truly and forever his. He couldn't banish
the occasional vision he had of Harm standing up in the middle of the ceremony
and declaring his undying love for Mac. In this case, when it came down to a
choice between showing off his wife to Harm and resting easy because Harm was
absent, he'd take the resting easy. He'd have the rest of their lives to show
off his wife and to remind Harm that Mac was forever his.
"My annual carrier quals," he replied, his voice just as pleasant. "I'm taking
a helo to the Patrick Henry in the morning from there."
"I asked Harm to stop by before he left," Mac added. "I just wanted to make
sure that there is nothing pending that I need to look at this afternoon." Her
eyes were on Harm as she said it and he nodded slightly, acknowledging the
silent plea to back her up.
"I managed to clear my desk," Harm said, bolstering her story. Like her, he had
returned to his office with a renewed determination to bury himself in work.
He'd even managed to make a dent in the usual backlog of reports on his desk,
reports he'd thought to put off until Mac was gone on her honeymoon, figuring
that he'd need the extra distraction in the ongoing effort to forget.
"Have a safe trip and good luck on your quals," she said, smiling at him. She
focused completely on Harm and managed to forget for just a moment that they
weren't alone in the room. "I'll see you on Saturday."
Managed to forget until Mic reminded her. "You'll be back in time for the
wedding?" he asked, his displeasure thinly veiled. Mac closed her eyes briefly
against the sudden headache threatening to overwhelm her.
"I'll be back Saturday morning," Harm confirmed, taking a small amount of
pleasure in bursting Mic's hope that he wouldn't be at the wedding. "I promised
Mac that I'd be there. Well, I need to get going. Mac, I'll see you Saturday."

Mac got up and walked around to the door, stepping out of the office with Harm
without even a glance in Mic's direction. "I'll see you," she said, stepping
close enough to him that she was able to brush her hand again his without it
being glaringly obvious to everyone in the bullpen. "And thank you again."
Harm lowered his voice so that only she would hear. "I'd do anything for you,
Mac," he reminded her. He then smiled and said aloud, "Tell Chloe I said 'hi'
when she arrives and I'll see you both at the wedding."
"I will," Mac promised, walking with him towards the elevator. She had all but
forgotten Mic's presence in her office. "I know she's looking forward to seeing
you."
"Mac. . . ." Harm began, but he stopped, shaking his head. He stopped in front
of the elevator doors and turned to face her. "I just want you to call me if
you need anything, even if it's just someone to talk to. I'm sure the next few
days are going to be a bit crazy."
"Thank you," she said softly. "For everything. Goodbye, Harm."
"Goodbye, Mac," he replied just as softly, lifting his hand to brush against
hers as the elevator doors opened before them. There was no one stepping off
the elevator, no one else waiting to get on, so Harm let his hand linger over
hers just a little longer than was really necessary before dropping it back to
his side.
Mac stood there until Harm stepped onto the elevator and the doors closed
between them. With a sad sigh, she returned to her office, where Mic was still
waiting for her. She hesitated, then closed the door behind her, just in case.
He had not been happy that she'd walked out of the office with Harm, barely
giving him a second thought. By the time she'd returned, he was close to
fuming. "Rabb get off okay?" he asked, a hint of sarcasm evident in his tone.
"Mic, I really do have a lot of work to get done before my leave," she
protested, hoping he would drop the subject and just leave her in peace. "Do
you think we can talk later?"
Mic wasn't about to let the subject of Harm slide. "Why did he promise to be
back in time for the wedding?" he mused.
"He wasn't sure if he would be able to get back," she replied calmly, promising
herself that she wasn't going to argue about this, no matter how much Mic
pushed. "I asked him to promise that he would be here for the wedding."
"Why?"
"Why not?" Mac countered with a sigh. Calm, she reminded herself. "My uncle's
in Leavenworth, Chloe's the only family I've got. The next closest thing I have
to family are my friends at JAG. Harm's been there for me through a lot and
it's natural that I would want him at my wedding."
"I'm your family now," Mic stressed. He thought by allowing them to say their
goodbyes at the party that Harm would be firmly in her past and she would focus
completely on him. If anything, she had been increasingly distant since the
party. He just had to remind her that he was the one whom loved her and whom
she would be marrying in three days.
"Mic, my friends are very important to me and I want them to be at my wedding,"
she retorted. "*All* of them and that is non-negotiable. Besides, I thought
you and Renee were friends and I hear that she's really looking forward to the
wedding." Harm hadn't said so in so many words, but Mac suspected that Renee's
desire to be at the wedding had more to do with making sure her perceived
competition was out of the way than wishing Mac and Mic the best. Maybe she and
Mic should get together, she thought. Renee and Mic certainly had a lot in
common, including a distrust of the relationship between their significant
others. Of course, that distrust come without knowing what had transpired
within the last few weeks. If they knew that. . . .Mac shook her head, trying
to banish the thoughts from her mind, wondering where that wild idea had come
from.
At Mic's questioning glance, she managed a smile. "Just thinking about the
wedding," she told him, trying to sound like the joyous bride-to-be. It was the
truth, in a way, and it certainly did the job in distracting Mic, she told
herself, judging from the wide smile now on his face. "Now, I really do need to
get back to work. I've got to get finished with all this and then Chloe and her
father are arriving late this afternoon."
"Fine," Mic said, seemingly satisfied that he had managed to divert her thoughts
from Harm to their wedding. As she opened the door, Mic came up behind her and
wrapped his arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck. Momentarily startled, Mac
reminded herself to relax as she extricated herself from his arms.
"We're in the office, remember?" she pointed out quietly. She took his hand and
squeezed, hoping that he was reassured that she wasn't rejecting him.
"Sorry, luv," Mic apologized. "I suppose I can wait until later and, of course,
I'll have you to myself for two weeks on our honeymoon."
"Mic," she said with a sigh, shaking her head. It made her a little
uncomfortable when he was overly affectionate in public, but he didn't notice,
mistaking her discomfort for anticipation of when they would be alone together.
"Later, luv," Mic said, stepping out of her office. Mac was about to go back to
her desk when he added, "Walk me to the elevator?" He managed to make it sound
like a pleasant request, but inside Mic was bothered. She had walked Rabb to
the elevator without a second thought, but he had to remind her to extend the
same courtesy to him. Too bad she wouldn't take off the rest of the day with
him. Then he could work on that reminder of his place in her life.
Mac stopped and nodded, managing another smile as she gestured him to go ahead
of her. As Mac walked slightly behind him, she ran her fingers along the collar
of her uniform where his lips had moved over her, wishing that she felt the same
tingling sensation still present on her lips from Harm's kiss earlier.